Emotional Fatigue
I've always known that I don't really understand emotions or feelings. They come and go and often overwhelm me, but I struggle to interpret them or notice them and realise that they can wash over you without having a devastating impact or taking control. Maybe this is something everyone experiences or this IS how emotions are - the point is I just don't know.
What I'm realising so much during this exploration in the last year is that I missed out on so much development. Childhood is about learning, understanding, developing. Instead mine was about fear, silence, shame. More and more I'm coming out of the proverbial closet to share this with others. But it's hard as so many of the people who caused this are still around and would deny this experience if they were to be aware I was talking about it. Which in some ways cements my truth of what happened.
These last few weeks have been huge in my learning, in understand that I cannot remove my pain or trauma. This isn't about cutting it out and making it go away. It's about learning how to grow around it and develop my life. Not just dredging up the past, but learning how to live in the present and cultivate things I enjoy. It sounds so easy on paper but it's so very very difficult in reality. And each day is a step in any direction. Sometimes it feels like 'woohoo, I've got this' and then the walls coming crashing down. The memories are triggered or invade my mind and I can't stop them or control them, they swallow me up in pain and agony and I feel so stupid for letting them. Like I've failed. Like this really is all my fault as I just won't let myself move on.
But that's not true. That's not reality. The feelings always pass. And the memories I have are horrific. Things I'm not yet ready to share here or explain. It's understandable that some times they overwhelm me. What I'm learning is how to find my way back, how to navigate them, how to grow around them. I wish I could cut them out completely but I can't. This is about connecting the dots and from that draw a new picture.
My homework this week was to explore how I re-write the narrative of self-blame. That everything is my fault. Phew, where to start with that? And perhaps that is the trigger that led to the flood or memories, the flood of painful emotions and a feeling of being out-of-control? After all were all these things my fault? Am I not to blame? In the end the logical brain, of course, says no I was a child. But I don't live in my logical brain.
It's exhausting. Managing this minefield and continuing to function in daily life. Going to work, seeing people, wondering if I've said too much even when I've not said anything at all. Constantly questioning if I've broken boundaries, I'm being 'too much' or 'selfish'.
I've found the most amazing resources to help - in HAVOCA and a new one in Carolyn Spring who has a range of resources - online, a podcast, a book and also Instagram posts. Her ability to share her experience and how she recovered has been a lifeline. To grasp how much this all means and that my own journey doesn't have to be a straight line. I can spend time at different parts, I can stop, I can reflect, i can go backwards and that is all okay.
And of course my own therapist. Who sits with me in this pain. Who guides me to consider my ways out. Who listens when I shout and scream. Who reaches out when I cry. But who challenges me and pushes me to realise I'm more than I realise. That I'm a survivor and that I'm also telling the truth. To find this through luck is more than I could have hoped for. I know Betterhelp has it's critics and rightly given some of the things they've done. But on a personal level I lucked out. It's affordable and it's been life changing. There are good quality, genuine therapists on the site but you have to use your discernment and judgement.
It's not easy, any of this - I find it particularly hard as although I'm embracing the truth and my truth I still feel I have to hide some of it from people around me. Particularly family who I don't think will fully understand or believe me. I may be doing them a disservice but at the moment I can't take that chance or open myself to that level of vulnerability. And frankly some of them are definitely an unsafe space to share this with. It's why i changed my blog to this one. Why I am careful in where I share this and how.
Oh and this week something amazing happened - I have attended Frazzled Cafe online for over 2 years now, we see each other over Zoom and sometimes get to chat. Well on Sunday I literally came face to face with Steph, one of my fellow Frazzled attendees - who is from the USA but works onboard a ship and I'd only seen her a few days before in her little on screen box, when there she was in person. We hugged. We sat together and talked. We connected in person and had so much in common. You never know how life will bring you together and I'm so grateful to Frazzled and to Ruby Wax for enabling these connections. It reminded me that yes, it is possible to be me in this big scary world.
Useful Resources:
Carolyn Spring | Trauma recovery
Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse - HAVOCA - Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse - HAVOCA
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