JoFwise - This is Me

Thoughts of Suicide The title isn't meant to be anything to scare anyone. Just following my therapy this week I've been having more honest conversations about the thoughts that literally run through my mind every day at the moment. Part of my homework for this week is to start thinking about what may move the giant exit door flashing at me and constantly on my mind into something less prominent, so I know it's there but I'm not reminded of it 24/7.  Talking in therapy turns to actually have been a bit of a start. The realisation I've had these thoughts since I was 12 years old. The first time I made a plan. That's nearly 39 years. Is it any wonder I struggle to move beyond them, or just turn to them when things feel too difficult? What I think a lot of people don't understand is that lots of us carry this around. Suicide ideation. For some it turns into plans, which turns into actuality. But for lots it just remains as thoughts, rough plans, or even a desire...

Here we are then, nearly the end of 2023 - my 50th year. My therapist again reminded me that actually this blog can be my voice. That it's okay to write here and share it, people may read it and it may help others BUT it definitely helps me. It's a great way of getting things out. What happens is I store everything up until I get to therapy, where I feel safe to let it out but it's then a very expensive way of crying.... This week I've had both of my therapies - talking and also the EFT (tapping) - what was weird was that in both the same thing was asked of me, but in slightly different ways "what's the hardest part of this" and then "what are the things that are most going round and round in my head". The first question I struggled to answer at the time but on reflecting i got somewhere. And then when the second question came up that came quite easily - each circle reflecting the size of the intrusive thought. Even just putting in on paper felt ...

Another significant amount of time has gone by, I really wanted to try and keep a monthly blog but you know it's hard. My therapist (hello!) spotted I've not been writing much and pointed out it's always a sign, I'm better when I write. Less likely to store up emotions and feelings so they explode. Less disconnected from myself and others. It's also not like there hasn't been a whole lot going on in these 2 months, so it's quite hard to know where to start. Probably I'll start with Gabor Mate. I've just finished his latest book The Myth of Normal. There is so much to say about it, but this isn't a book review. It has given me lots to think about, not least about my own agency in this journey through finally dealing with my trauma. How much creativity, movement and paying attention can help me, does help me. How much I am responsible for navigating, that of course my brain tells me these things - why wouldn't it? It was a protection from what ...

It's hard to believe it's now October and I've not written a post since July. I'd love to say that's because I've been leading the most incredible life and in some respects, yes I have but in others it's been back to some of the darkest days and trying to find help to navigate my way out in a safe way.  But I'm still here and I'm surrounded by the most amazing friends and a wonderful wife who have really gone above and beyond for me. More on that in a moment. This is combined with the dual therapy of a trauma based talking therapy and EFT, which seems to work really well together and has exposed so many things some of which I'm open to sharing and others of which I'm not.  The last week I've been struck down with Covid, the latest variant seemingly a hideous combination of flu like symptoms, intense fatigue, a rash and an annoying tendency to hang about. I don't like being ill, I mean who does. But it's definitely one of my trigge...

I really love to write, it's always been a safe space for me. I'm not good at verbal communication especially when it comes to personal things, I've always written friends letters or nowadays emails and texts. I will avoid the phone at all costs. Even having therapy via typing has been a real bonus for my communication style, helping me break down barriers that I wouldn't have dreamt of. And the ability to message is I think a blessing and a curse, I worry I overuse it when I would have waited for a weekly session. But also it provides a space for a journal and somewhere to put my endless thoughts.  Which is what this blog is really. A chance for me to express in the best way I know how. It feels somewhat uneasy, that I write here and share it. Like I'm seeking attention and this is a huge fear of mine. That what I'm doing and saying is for attention. When attention is the very last thing I want. But what I do want is understanding. To express these things which...

Imagine you get in your car and decide to drive to Scotland. You take a look at the route, you perhaps set the sat nav and it tells you roughly how long it should take. You know there may be traffic on the way and you'll need to stop more than once. You may even decide to take a detour to visit friends or see something or somewhere you've wanted to visit. But pretty much you know what the journey will be like. You have snacks, drinks, music, audio books. Of course something could go wrong, but you've got your breakdown cover and actually even the journey can become a thing. Having a road trip breakfast before you head off. Getting to Scotland is going to be amazing, it's beautiful, restful, relaxing and you've been wanting to get there for years. Result.  But what if you can't drive? What if the car isn't actually designed for the journey? What if you can't read a map or don't have sat nav? What if rather than you driving the car you decide to let yo...

I've always known that I don't really understand emotions or feelings. They come and go and often overwhelm me, but I struggle to interpret them or notice them and realise that they can wash over you without having a devastating impact or taking control. Maybe this is something everyone experiences or this IS how emotions are - the point is I just don't know.  What I'm realising so much during this exploration in the last year is that I missed out on so much development. Childhood is about learning, understanding, developing. Instead mine was about fear, silence, shame. More and more I'm coming out of the proverbial closet to share this with others. But it's hard as so many of the people who caused this are still around and would deny this experience if they were to be aware I was talking about it. Which in some ways cements my truth of what happened.  These last few weeks have been huge in my learning, in understand that I cannot remove my pain or trauma. This ...