Building Basecamp

Another significant amount of time has gone by, I really wanted to try and keep a monthly blog but you know it's hard. My therapist (hello!) spotted I've not been writing much and pointed out it's always a sign, I'm better when I write. Less likely to store up emotions and feelings so they explode. Less disconnected from myself and others. It's also not like there hasn't been a whole lot going on in these 2 months, so it's quite hard to know where to start.

Probably I'll start with Gabor Mate. I've just finished his latest book The Myth of Normal. There is so much to say about it, but this isn't a book review. It has given me lots to think about, not least about my own agency in this journey through finally dealing with my trauma. How much creativity, movement and paying attention can help me, does help me. How much I am responsible for navigating, that of course my brain tells me these things - why wouldn't it? It was a protection from what was happening and it made sense. But it doesn't make sense now. No positivity slogan required, just a recognition that these are thoughts and not facts. That I can, with effort, move beyond them, around them, learn to grow and live.

Someone else I follow on Instagram shared a post about suicide ideation and the fact that if this has been your way of life forever then it also can't just be dropped. Which is helpful to remember as I have found myself back there recently. When things feel so overwhelming I always have a plan B. I am a member of a website with a chat forum which is so helpful and someone there said to me that actually that's okay. I can have a plan for suicide. It doesn't mean I have to use it. But if it helps me to know it's there then leave it there. Eventually they stopped having an active plan and moved to just occasional and then one day no plan at all. It helped me release a big sigh of relief. It's not easy to put this stuff down and now I don't have to. After all I have a safety plan as well, so if I get too close the the exit door I will hopefully find that I'm wearing a parachute. None of this makes it easy for those around me, but this is how I need to live right now.

Perhaps the most transformational thing that's been happening is building basecamp, in fact just the discovery that I could have a basecamp. It was during one of my EFT sessions where I had to draw a line on a page which represented existing. Above the line was living and below the line was overwhelmed with pain/not existing. Meg asked me to put a mark, whatever I wanted that to be on the page as to where I thought I was. I drew a tent on the line and basecamp was born. What is basecamp?

Turns out basecamp is whatever I want it and need it to be. I've been thinking about it a lot and it also doesn't stay the same. I kind of see it like Everest Basecamp, a safe place for me to prepare to climb upwards, to rest, to meet people, to have some fun. To get back to if I decide either going up is too hard or I've slipped down and thought about giving up the climb altogether. I've put things in basecamp like storage, twinkly lights, a wine cellar and cheese! I can invite people there or I can choose to close the door and be on my own. It's what I need. Whatever that is. And it's working.

There was a moment a few weeks ago where basecamp got flooded, I couldn't find my way back there and it looked like it was destroyed. The power of memories and interactions overwhelmed me, that's when I withdrew from people again. Although I wonder if anyone notices this other than my therapists? But that's just my tricky mind again I'm sure. The fact is it wasn't destroyed. Yes a few walls had got damaged and there was a flood, but I've cleaned it all up and put myself back there.

If I'm honest I'm living at basecamp. I'm okay here. It's got what I need right now and it's got the potential to take me elsewhere. If this ends up being all there is for me, that's okay too. What I want is to give myself agency and if that means I walk, I create, I take my time and make basecamp my forever home - that's a choice for me that is the right one. After all people don't live at the top of Everest. I can go out and explore both above and below the line and always return. Which maybe means basecamp is living all along? Just in the same way i thought I was travelling to Scotland but found myself there already?

Sometimes it's hard to write this blog as I leave out a lot more than I put in. I'm not in a position to say to everyone what has happened in my life. Not least as I live in fear that people won't believe me and that's something I would not cope well with. It's hard enough believing myself without others to reinforce that. It's also difficult as I worry that even by writing all of this I'm somehow just making this all about me - haha which is ironic as this blog IS about me. But I see it as my way to escape myself. Writing for me is like channelling a different part of me, in written word I can suddenly be free to express myself and open up that window just enough so you may see me. God forbid anyone try and talk to me face to face about it, or say it's good or say I'm brave or any such nonsense. But I know it means I'm seen and I hope it means that others can then start to feel seen. We are all damaged. We are all a product of our experiences, however small they may seem - they are ours and ours alone. Comparative suffering helps no one so don't be afraid to own and recognise your pain even if you think it's insignificant, it is yours. Which means you can find whatever you need for your own basecamp and position yourself further up the mountain or even at the top, that's okay.

But if you're currently down below the line, you are not alone. We are not alone. There are lots of places and people who can offer us support (I've put some links below this blog). It can feel so hard for us to hold on and not use Plan B, but I'm glad that we're both here, right here and right now safe together.