Content Warning - talk of suicide

Thoughts of Suicide

The title isn't meant to be anything to scare anyone. Just following my therapy this week I've been having more honest conversations about the thoughts that literally run through my mind every day at the moment. Part of my homework for this week is to start thinking about what may move the giant exit door flashing at me and constantly on my mind into something less prominent, so I know it's there but I'm not reminded of it 24/7. 

Talking in therapy turns to actually have been a bit of a start. The realisation I've had these thoughts since I was 12 years old. The first time I made a plan. That's nearly 39 years. Is it any wonder I struggle to move beyond them, or just turn to them when things feel too difficult?

What I think a lot of people don't understand is that lots of us carry this around. Suicide ideation. For some it turns into plans, which turns into actuality. But for lots it just remains as thoughts, rough plans, or even a desire to die in an accident or get some kind of terminal illness. Just anything to stop this life and the pain of existing in it. 

And it's exhausting. All consuming. Imagine this - I go to work every single day with these thoughts in my head at the moment. I worry that if I don't have work then what, actually do I have? Which means I want to work. But I want to do it safely and with support. I have a safety plan for home and for work. They're mine, kept in an app on my phone. It's nearly impossible for me to tell anyone at work about this, how do you even start to approach this? When I have it hasn't gone the best of ways either and what I can't risk is the conversation going wrong and pushing me further toward that door. 

But that's okay too. I don't expect everyone to be an expert. But in the same way there are adjustments for other illness (although I don't see this as an illness anymore) - I'm hopeful there will be for me and others. As I won't be the only one. Nor will you!

The last thing this is would be attention seeking. I don't want attention. See my last blog for how much I want you to leave me alone, not speak to me about this or comment - although I have to say the connection I'm getting through this blog is wonderful. Suicidal ideation is as far from attention seeking as you can imagine. It's like a waterfall of thoughts, one leads to another and another and before you know it you can't stop. A simple thought of 'I've had enough of this shit today' takes me all the way to google and various methods. I'm sure most of you just watch something fun on tv, cry a bit, go for a run or a walk, tell your partner or a friend. I never get to any of those. My brain goes straight to 'jump ship'. 

Yet, because I've tried in the past I have that to hold on to. As Angel said to me today - you have lived with this thought as an option BUT the side of you that hasn't done it is stronger, you are fighting to live at the same time. Which is also exhausting. I remember clearly the time I was most at risk. It was in Brighton. And I stopped just in time. Almost too late. But I can still remember that decision point and why I made it. And then, at that time, I had nothing to live for in my eyes. No partner, not many friends, a fairly nothing job, lots of debt, no kids around that would grow up in to amazing young people. If I held on then, surely I can hold on now. 

Which I do. Day after day. But the thoughts still swirl round and around. Which takes me to my homework. To think about what could help this be less intrusive. Less exhausting. Perhaps even so very quiet in my brain that I can find new ways to solve this mess and heal. There are no answers for me yet. But even just putting down on paper what it means to have these thoughts, how hard that makes daily living. That's a start. 

You - yes you, I see you - we can see each other - these are things no one talks about - especially at work, which frankly is the most dangerous place for me as I don't feel safe and anything, literally anything can be said or happen which is a trigger. No ones fault, absolutely NOT anyone's fault. But a reality. Let's not be afraid to talk about this. There are plenty of places that can teach us how to respond or create safe working environments. I'll put my favourite below. 

Note there are no photos today - this doesn't feel a subject for photos. And you, if you are struggling to hold on. Please reach out to someone. Or try and develop a safety plan or find your own ideas for helping that door still be there, but something that we know at the moment we just don't need. And if you're in a work place why not suggest they get some training. 

Resources: 

Homepage | Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) (thecalmzone.net)

Shout - UK's 24/7 Crisis Text Service for Mental Health Support | Shout 85258 (giveusashout.org)

Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen

NAPAC – Supporting Recovery From Childhood Abuse

Mental health training online and face to face  · MHFA England