Where it all began

It's hard to believe it's now October and I've not written a post since July. I'd love to say that's because I've been leading the most incredible life and in some respects, yes I have but in others it's been back to some of the darkest days and trying to find help to navigate my way out in a safe way. 

But I'm still here and I'm surrounded by the most amazing friends and a wonderful wife who have really gone above and beyond for me. More on that in a moment. This is combined with the dual therapy of a trauma based talking therapy and EFT, which seems to work really well together and has exposed so many things some of which I'm open to sharing and others of which I'm not. 

The last week I've been struck down with Covid, the latest variant seemingly a hideous combination of flu like symptoms, intense fatigue, a rash and an annoying tendency to hang about. I don't like being ill, I mean who does. But it's definitely one of my triggers. I worry people think I'm making it up. I worry I'm making it up. I worry it's not that serious and I should be fine. But the fact I have three paid for tests with a thick red line of Covid positive helps in this case to settle my mind. But as I start to 'feel better' I also know it's dangerous for me - coming back too soon, imagining all sorts of things others are thinking. I mean how all these people have so much time to think about me, I will never know! 

It's been weird stuck in the house again, at least the Indian Summer has meant a walk down the garden to sit in the sunshine when not in bed or asleep. But I've not been out to the park and I've missed a week of photographing my tree. I was planning a blog post before I was struck down with Covid, I'd been for a walk in the park and bumped into someone I knew but hadn't seen for a long time. It reminded me of the importance of connection. I've been obsessed with the Lucy Spraggan song Balance - which reminds me this has never been about doing this alone. 

But I've tried so hard to make sure it's alone, after all people get tired of this; don't they?

This summer has been full of adventure, we went to Champagne to celebrate turning 50 earlier this year and had a wonderful few days, with some ailments but mostly love, laughter and bubbles. The end of August we returned to camping in the New Forest and it wasn't such a lovely time. Cold, wet and too old for a portaloo! In between things have been all over the place for me. Hard to settle in to a routine at work, lots of intrusive thoughts and gradually I lost control. 

On Wednesday 30 August, against my wishes but in discussion with my best friend Keeley took me to A&E. I wasn't expecting much and I understand why she did it. Sitting waiting, uncertain what was going to happen felt like a distraction. But the Psych Liaison Nurse Sarah turned out to be a breath of fresh air. We talked, she listened, she seemed to understand. She told me I needed an assessment and a medication review ASAP. She was kind, caring and wanted to be sure I would engage with services. I assured her I would, but still wasn't hopeful as I'd been through this before. Sadly that was the best it got. 42 days later and no appointment. A few phone calls, some with me in absolute desperation. But no action. 

During this time I did my best to shut myself off from everyone, if you're actively making plans it can seem easier this way but also I was mindful that some of this needed to be hidden. 

I found myself going back in time and doing things I hadn't done for many many years. I've always self-harmed with food, or running or language but I'd not cut myself in 30 years or more. But now it felt the only solution. Everything was spiralling. I stopped working for a week, spending time at the beach with my thoughts and trying to feel safe. I worked with my therapists and started being more honest with Keeley. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen and if I was going to turn this around. I've been in this place many times in the past and it never gets easier. 

My therapy was amazing in helping me see how the different parts of me have been at play, I can recognise them now and understand the different points of view and also how they work against each other rather than being able to be with each other. I've found myself exploring what I can put down, what isn't mine to carry and that talking, even a little bit is okay. Heading back to work felt hard but I know this has never been about work or my ability to work. In fact work acts as a good distraction and something else to focus on, so if I could find my way back it would help. 

Unfortunately something went a bit wrong - no need for details, but it could have been a catastrophe for me. Without work to hold on to at this moment there would be nothing. BUT all those things I've been working on, all that support I've realised I can trust suddenly paid dividends - and I used what happened to explore what I needed. I identified boundaries, alternate arrangements, I knew I needed to bring some fun back in to my life, I thought about how to counter my negative thoughts. I discussed putting work in to compartment where I can put down all the crap going on outside and in my head and just focus on work. And then I put this in to action. 

For a week it worked, really well. But I also realised you can't just box bits of yourself off and some of my parts were screaming by the weekend. That's something I need to work upon but covid sort of stopped that in my tracks. But not before I realised the truth, my truth and my right to believe myself. I know how all of this began. I know how hard this is going to be to heal around. I know there's no rush, Covid or no Covid. 

Which means here I am. Currently still feeling ill, but less intrusive thoughts, no self-harm for a few weeks. Learning what it means to be me, all of me. 

Resources

home (pandorasboxeft.com)

Homepage | Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) (thecalmzone.net)

Wine tours & wine tasting weekends | Grape Escapes (our champagne tour)

Mental health training online and face to face  · MHFA England - so many amazing resources to help people in the workplace navigate supporting someone with suicidal thoughts and MH problems.