Writing it all down...

I really love to write, it's always been a safe space for me. I'm not good at verbal communication especially when it comes to personal things, I've always written friends letters or nowadays emails and texts. I will avoid the phone at all costs. Even having therapy via typing has been a real bonus for my communication style, helping me break down barriers that I wouldn't have dreamt of. And the ability to message is I think a blessing and a curse, I worry I overuse it when I would have waited for a weekly session. But also it provides a space for a journal and somewhere to put my endless thoughts. 

Which is what this blog is really. A chance for me to express in the best way I know how. It feels somewhat uneasy, that I write here and share it. Like I'm seeking attention and this is a huge fear of mine. That what I'm doing and saying is for attention. When attention is the very last thing I want. But what I do want is understanding. To express these things which are so deeply hidden and find connection with others who feel the same. So far this is what the blog has achieved. Especially at work. I've taken the choice to share on LinkedIn, perhaps a foolish move but for me vital to really live authentically. I've hidden who I am for a long time and you'll never get me to talk about it in detail face to face but if I can open that window just a little bit....

It's definitely not easy to write here and then share and I know that I'm asking a lot of people to believe that. I'm also asking you to read between the lines as there are things I cannot say. I'm grateful for everyone that read my last post and reached out. The tunnel became less dark and I could see you all approaching with your torches. What was really mind blowing was to talk with my therapist and for her to point out I've always been in Scotland. I've just never noticed it. 

Here I am then. I'd like to say the weeks since that last blog have been wonderful, but they haven't. They've been exhausting and hard. The main aim has been to keep myself safe. Safe from myself and my thoughts. I'm grateful to all those that have played a part in that. I can't pretend that those thoughts won't come again but I have a better idea on how to cope when they do and to keep myself safe. I'm recognising what causes a trigger and learning more and more about who I am and why I behave or do things. I'm learning how to put in boundaries that work for me. My boundaries. These are okay. 

I tried Yoga, which was okay but then I hurt my back so haven't returned. I also tried filling my diary with everything, never about balance for me. But again I've realised that's not the best way.  

But I've also started a new form of therapy - EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques or tapping with the most amazing Meg. The profound thing is that I am having this therapy alongside my regular therapy. They are working together. Neither therapist prevented me from seeing the other and both have been happy to talk to each other in my best interests. I had EMDR back in 2019 and in some ways that was what helped unlock those things I'm working on now. It was the first time I'd approached them in a therapeutic setting. EFT is different but similar and although I've only had 2 sessions they are enlightening. Exhausting. Emotional. Hard to explain really, but they allow me to work through my memories without having to go into detail or explain what is happening out loud. And they give me a practical approach to calm me down and reframe what's happening. 


In particular I've learned already what helps me feel safe and I use the tapping now when I start to feel unsafe. It's already lifechanging and potentially life saving. 

Opening myself up is hard. It isn't my comfort zone at all. it's amazing I transitioned from a fairly safe running blog to this and who knows maybe one day I'll go further, but for now this will do. My space, our space and I hope it adds just a little bit of connection for us.

Useful Resources:

Maidstone Yoga Centre (iyengar-yoga.co.uk)

about eft (pandorasboxeft.com)

PTSD UK

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Where it all began

Image
It's hard to believe it's now October and I've not written a post since July. I'd love to say that's because I've been leading the most incredible life and in some respects, yes I have but in others it's been back to some of the darkest days and trying to find help to navigate my way out in a safe way.  But I'm still here and I'm surrounded by the most amazing friends and a wonderful wife who have really gone above and beyond for me. More on that in a moment. This is combined with the dual therapy of a trauma based talking therapy and EFT, which seems to work really well together and has exposed so many things some of which I'm open to sharing and others of which I'm not.  The last week I've been struck down with Covid, the latest variant seemingly a hideous combination of flu like symptoms, intense fatigue, a rash and an annoying tendency to hang about. I don't like being ill, I mean who does. But it's definitely one of my trigge...
Read more

Content Warning - talk of suicide

Image
Thoughts of Suicide The title isn't meant to be anything to scare anyone. Just following my therapy this week I've been having more honest conversations about the thoughts that literally run through my mind every day at the moment. Part of my homework for this week is to start thinking about what may move the giant exit door flashing at me and constantly on my mind into something less prominent, so I know it's there but I'm not reminded of it 24/7.  Talking in therapy turns to actually have been a bit of a start. The realisation I've had these thoughts since I was 12 years old. The first time I made a plan. That's nearly 39 years. Is it any wonder I struggle to move beyond them, or just turn to them when things feel too difficult? What I think a lot of people don't understand is that lots of us carry this around. Suicide ideation. For some it turns into plans, which turns into actuality. But for lots it just remains as thoughts, rough plans, or even a desire...
Read more

Emotional Fatigue

Image
I've always known that I don't really understand emotions or feelings. They come and go and often overwhelm me, but I struggle to interpret them or notice them and realise that they can wash over you without having a devastating impact or taking control. Maybe this is something everyone experiences or this IS how emotions are - the point is I just don't know.  What I'm realising so much during this exploration in the last year is that I missed out on so much development. Childhood is about learning, understanding, developing. Instead mine was about fear, silence, shame. More and more I'm coming out of the proverbial closet to share this with others. But it's hard as so many of the people who caused this are still around and would deny this experience if they were to be aware I was talking about it. Which in some ways cements my truth of what happened.  These last few weeks have been huge in my learning, in understand that I cannot remove my pain or trauma. This ...
Read more