A recipe for me

There have been so many thoughts going on in my mind these past few weeks, each time I think 'oh I must blog about that' - then I don't, well and frankly then it's gone....my peri-menopausal brain unable to hold on to a thought for very long especially if I don't commit it to paper. All of this means please excuse me if this particular post is far more rambling than usual....perhaps it would help if I make a list of the things I think I want to cover, then we can both check out if I've made it by the end. Never mind that you can abandon me here if the list looks total shit. 

1. Authenticity (I know I've done this before but it's got some new angles for me)

2. Paying attention - read an actual book whilst on holiday called Peak Mind 

3. Body image / body value? Definitely NOT body positivity! 

4. Ups and Downs

That seems a fairly good starting place, I'm not 100% sure what they all mean but it gives me something to focus on, with that in mind and to shake things up I'm going to start with number 2. Myself and my wife (Keeley who I know actually does read this blog) recently went on holiday, our first 2 week holiday since pre-Covid and certainly our first time abroad. We headed off to our spiritual home of Lesvos, yes we like to return to plug ourselves into the lesbian mainframe every few years. That said we don't go to the lesbian hangout of the island Eresos, rather a much milder village called Petra, where we meet friends and drink and eat lots (see point 3 later). 

I won't lie it felt odd to be away and do the travel thing. After all none of us have been far from our homes or houses for years now and there was an uncertainty in my routine and how I felt. Thankfully I had arranged a virtual therapy session the first Monday of the holiday and it reminded me I was in a safe space. There weren't people I didn't know, there were no expectations on me to be anything other than myself (see point 1 later) and I just needed to relax. Which I did. And I read a book, I had planned to read it whilst away - having listened to my good friend Brene Brown talk to the author on her Dare to Lead podcast. Dr Amishi Jha I was keen to delve more into this subject. The basic premise of which is helping you to pay attention through mindfulness. 

Extensive research and practice have shown that 12 minutes a day of mindfulness (Dr Jha gives a variety of exercises) can improve ability to remember and pay attention. It can also help you with your emotions and feelings as you can learn to sit with them. I'm a big fan of mindfulness, having struggled with the concept when it was first suggested to me as part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy I was undertaking. But years of listening to people such as Ruby Wax has helped me understand it's nothing to do with being present, or turning off the noise in your head, or distracting, or relaxing...it's exercising the muscle that is the brain. 

I came home full of the desire to put what I had read on holiday in to practice, set up a schedule and duly started my daily mindfulness. Just 12 mins 5 times a week. But then I got ill. And illness is without doubt a trigger for me. I mean you're just ill right, rest, recoup, be kind. Nope (see point 4) - I doubt myself, I question everything, I fail to be kind and recognise that it is okay not to feel physically okay (ironic? I think so). All routine falls by the wayside, which is understandable when you're ill and I hit the panic button. The good news is I'm feeling better, thank you for asking, I've also re-listened to the Brene Brown podcast as we are listening to this for my work lunchtime group about staying awkward, brave and kind - so I am reminded of the power to remember in paying attention. And attention is helped by mindfulness. We shall come back to this concept in another blog if I find it works, or doesn't. 

Back to point 1 then. Returning from holiday I caught up with two significant documentaries - Dame Kelly Holmes, Being Me and Sir Mo Farah's - The Real Mo Farah. Both quite different but also similar in their stories of two people unable to be their authentic and true selves through fear of what would happen and how people would react. The general reaction has been positive as you would hope, a lot of 'what does it matter' for Dame Kelly - which I understand but disagree with. As she herself has said, assuming things doesn't make it her truth. Plus for me, the message of 'lets hope we never have to declare our sexuality in the future' is nonsense. Straight people declare theirs all the bloody time. Every day. "Really?" you ask, "yes really" I reply. Think about talking about weekends, wives, partners, when you look at someone do you assume they're talking about a same sex partner? How many phone calls do I have to have with insurance, banks, even online purchases where it is assumed I'm straight? The world is built that way. Which is fine, it is the majority. But that means every day it helps for someone to say out loud "I am gay". 

And for Sir Mo, well if he wasn't Sir Mo would we even be having this conversation? Would he still be in this country?

For me authenticity is central now to how I function in the world, at work and in my social life. I'm not great socially but I know that if I can't by myself, if there are any walls of armour I allow to take hold then my mental wellbeing suffers. I'm not saying I want to share intimate personal details about myself online or at work. But I am saying I can be honest about my boundaries, my experiences and who I am. Which is why I started this blog. That said another reason I started this blog was to exclude those I don't trust with that information. You can only be truly authentic at work or with your friends and family if you feel psychologically safe. If there is an unspoken or sometimes clearly spoken and written down understanding between you and others about what it means to share, what it means to be you and what will happen with that information. Which means the next time someone shares something with you, even if you think you knew it - meet them where they are, be kind, be open, listen without providing solutions or commentary on what you think you know. And see it as an opportunity to be open about yourself, the team you manage won't think less of you if they know you once had a mental breakdown. Trust me I know! And to the extremes you may just save someone's life if you do share. If anyone in my work when I had my breakdown had told me about their own anxieties, depression, fears - maybe I wouldn't have tried to hide it so long until it broke me?

It feels like this is the right place to stop, this is already longer than most of my posts - but I haven't even touched on 3 and frankly this has all been 4....in the spirit of true authenticity I'm struggling again with body image, weight, self-esteem. Is it still just the last place where I beat myself up with feeling worthless and not enough? The 2 years of lockdown eating and drinking wine weight has caught up with the 'oooh look you're in Greece' holiday weight and I'm desperately trying to pretend I don't care, but I do. That said as the amazing book by Alex Light says, if I look at old photos I was always trying to lose more weight. Even when I'd lost 7 stone and was at my thinnest. Which means it's never been about my body. It's about how I feel deep down inside, that tiny walnut of darkness which when I let it out of control grows and consumes me. But which at it's heart I can never crack completely. 

This year my running has taken a back seat, but I've been successful in the ballot for Royal Parks Half - my 9th time at this event. I'm raising money for Frazzled Cafe (link below) and I want to complete it. I've made a non-training plan, which I tell myself is about getting fitter not losing weight. All the time secretly wanting to lose weight. But not wanting to lose weight as I want to love this body I'm in and if I can't love it I want to value it and not be consumed by endless negative thoughts about who I am and what I look like. I feel a fraud. It feels impossible to get out of this cycle and when I can't I feel tired and frustrated. Then I wonder how much is peri-menopause and how much is still really me. And I'm back in point 4 - up and down...

All of which leaves me to say, I've covered my points 1-4. Helpful. But I'm not sure where I go next. I'm back sitting on the landing, trying to build the energy and courage to climb up and out. I know I won't slip down into the darkness below but fuck me this is hard work. Every day it's hard work. Mental illness is hard work. We can and we do hold on, as for us the stakes can be so much higher than a simple 'it's okay to not be okay'. That isn't okay for me. As when I'm not okay I'm really really ill and at risk. Which means I work my steps, I go through my routines and I keep on my medication - looking for the magic formula that keeps me well, keeps me safe and gives me a chance at being authentic, paying attention, feeling positive about my body and riding the ups and downs. Check. ✔