the blog you never want to write...

Here it is then, a blog post I thought (well hoped) was behind me. But it seems this rollercoaster of a life is here to stay. Nothing has felt easy recently, my mood has been a wild pendulum of emotions. Despite constantly trying to start again and stay sitting resting on the landing I've been unable to stop the slow, quiet slide into the darkness that is depression. 

Part of me really wants to understand why that is, what have been the triggers, what has happened this time - but I also know that doesn't do anything other than create ruminations and questions, judgement and blame. Although I'm pretty confident that what's going on isn't just my mental illness taking a hold, it is the peri-menopause impact being felt. A brain and mind so foggy and tired that my usual reserves are depleted and unable to fully function in keeping me where I would so desperately like to be. 

The manifestation of all of this though creates my own worst enemy - unable to lift my brain out of the fog it is in, focusing on work becomes a daily struggle. Worried someone will notice, or I'll make a mistake, unable to remember or recall things that were discussed just a few hours ago let alone days or weeks. Isolation at home, like lockdown mark 4 - but this time of my own fruition - fearful of seeing others, social anxiety and inability to motivate myself to move has fed into the perfect storm of never leaving the house. 

Even worse I've hid it, at first from myself, then my wife and friends. Once I start avoiding truthful answers to difficult questions then I know things aren't good. Working from home is a wonderful development I wouldn't be without but also a curse, nothing to force you to get out of your comfort zone. Going to an office creates natural connection with others, whereas at home I realise a week can go by and I haven't moved or seen anyone. That said when I do go in there are challenges, I've struggled to accept the change in my physical appearance and assume everyone is judging me in the same way I am. Social anxiety is crippling in the work place. 

My therapist is pretty robust in telling me I have to make the changes I need. I may be lonely but I'm not doing anything to not be alone. It's a hard message to hear but true. Even harder was the message that I needed to find new things for myself beyond running. I am not that person anymore that ran several times a week, that had a social life centred around running. I need to start from where I am at now, not where I was. Otherwise I'm chasing something I will never achieve. 

When I was feeling proactive a couple of weeks ago I thought about what I wanted to do now instead, I've found a local wine society and also started my own podcast group which will be meeting soon. I thought this would be enough. It isn't. 

What else would be enough? Well I've decided I'm not in a place to run Royal Parks Half, I'm super proud of the fundraising I've done for Frazzled and I'm delighted that I've found someone to transfer my place to so any fundraising will now support Sophie to complete her first half marathon. I've told my work place that I'm struggling, I'm not well and I may need to take time. And I'm returning to face to face therapy, to touch base on what's happening. Oh and I'm telling people. I'm telling you, I'm telling friends, I'm trying to break down those barriers to connection. 

Accepting that depression may always be a part of my life is also key. I first knew I had depression when I was 12 years old, I had hoped one day I would completely recover. That's not going to be. I need to be kind and accept I can ride the storm when it comes. I will be 50 next year and have a lot of life left to live, if I can see these moments as moments of growth and self discovery then perhaps it won't be all bad. I confess writing those words when in the midst of it is hard, but I do know this will pass. I do know I will hold on and survive. 

Even working through my body image struggles may one day actually pass. I have finally given up dieting. That isn't to say I don't want to get fitter and feel healthier, but that doesn't have to be about weight loss. If I'm going to succeed in leading a successful life with wholeheartedness and freedom I need to respect the body I have, the body I'm in. But again a life time of dieting, judging my body and who I am won't just pass overnight. I ran in the Kent Association for the Blind superhero run a couple of weeks ago, just a fun 5k event. But the impact of seeing myself was devastating. Lots of people said very nice things to me to try and make it feel better, but I'm a long way from being able to really hear those things. 

It isn't easy this journey, at times I'm just exhausted but I am now seeking consistency, balance and kindness for myself. What I don't know is how long it will take, what I do know is that it will never be a perfect science, but if I can live in the moment doing what matters to me and trying to keep connected then I have every hope of living a fulfilled life. 

Drawing Credit: @Sow_Ay & Charlie Mackesy