Owning my Story

I was listening to Brene Brown talk to Lewis Howes this week and his last question to her, was 'what is greatness'. She paused for a while (those who know her podcasts will know she's dubbed the pause-cast) and then said 

"owning your story and loving yourself through the process"

These past few weeks I have unexpectedly been discovering my story - things I had long buried and hidden from view have found their way to the surface. Partly because I have found a safe space to talk about them. It's taken a life time but unexpectedly the Better Help therapy website which I joined after finishing my face to face therapy, for a little bit of extra support as I emerged has turned into giving me access to one of the best therapists I've ever had, if not the best. She is kind, caring, firm and open to listening and giving me prompts to make change. And I trust her, implicitly. It helps that she's behind a screen and not in the same room, but that room to breathe has brought me somewhere I didn't expect to be. Talking about things I have often wondered if I should explore but been to scared to do so. 


This has not been easy, and I've been lurching from extremes of emotion for a few weeks now. I've opened a wound I really didn't know I had and it's painful. Really painful. In fact it has taken me back to thoughts and feelings that are scary. Self harm, suicide - and I've been confused and wondering if any of this is worth it? The benefit of Better Help is I can journal there and it gets shared with my therapist, so we can have daily discussions if needed - which is amazing but also not so, as it doesn't leave that time and space for me to really work things out on my own. 

Christmas and New Year have come and gone, with increased pressure at work and limited time off due to being on-call supporting our endless queues of ambulances. 

I took a day off on Tuesday, knowing I was on the edge, I had my therapy session and the pain and anguish bubbled out of me like a fierce volcano, confusion and disappointment in why I simply can't get a handle on what's happening. Then on Wednesday I went to bed in a swirl of emotion - lost in my thoughts and memories, feelings of suicide ideation and self-harm. I woke up and tried to work the next day, but sat at my desk crying and was in the grip of anxiety. Again I reached out to my therapist who talked me down from where I was, reminded me that at times I let the child in me drive the car and this was one of those times. The wound is raw but I don't need to pick at it, I need to give it time to heal. 

Not fully convinced I knew Thursday was one of those 'turn up and get through' days at work. Sometimes that is just enough. Later that day I listened to the Brene Brown talk I reference above and she talked about the power of letting shame into the light, that it can't survive once out in the open. I've heard her say this many times before but it rang so true. Then I found the website www.napac.org.uk - the national association for people abused in childhood and what a wealth of knowledge and support there is. I had emailed them before Christmas but hadn't taken the time to really explore what was available. Reading some of their articles I recognised what had been happening. 

My mind was trapped in a constant loop of memories and flashbacks and because the child part of me has never shared or explored these memories it was screaming and crying and had total control over how I was thinking and feeling. But I'm not that child anymore, I'm an adult. An adult who despite the hand that's been dealt to me can survive and step up to realise I'm worth more than all those things that happened. I can't remove how I feel, but I can be kind to myself whilst I'm feeling it and learn to navigate, learn to sit with and perhaps through this heal and recover. 


It sounds so very simple, basic emotions 101 - but it's a revelation for me.  
I've woken up today feeling calmer and more myself - the wound is still open and painful but I can see it much more for what it is and how I help it heal. I mean I was a child, in all of this - meant to be learning about the world, about who I was, how to love myself and others and instead things were said and done that made me think I was worthless. And I kept treating myself like I was that, but always on some level knowing there was more and I was worth more. And suddenly here I am 100% saying to you that I can see I'm worth more. I've never had this feeling before, even a little glimpse of it. I feel sadness for what could have been but right now I actually have hope for what's to come.

It sounds a bit trite to write this down, but I don't want to forget this feeling. It's hard fought and I know things will continue on a rollercoaster, this isn't a process I can rush or should rush. But I'm losing the fear and starting to really see who I am and who I want to be in this. This is my story, I get to write the ending, I get to own it and I get to find a way to love myself through this process. Not on my own, I'm grateful to everyone who has provided me direct support now and in the past, to those on social media or who read this blog and reach out. I realise now you were giving me the love I can't yet give myself. And I'm thankful for that. 

Resources: 

Brené Brown: Create True Belonging and Heal the World (lewishowes.com)

the Samaritans - www.samaritans.org

Better Help - https://www.betterhelp.com/rpc/ee9bfc2dd25f552b-1-12

NAPAC - www.napac.org.uk

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