Life is in the gaps

My last blog post was called the messy middle, now I'm looking at life being in the gaps - there's something clearly about finding space. Currently I am all over the place, so I apologise if this blog reads like a collection of random thoughts - but it's truthful to where I find myself. 

It's been a tough few weeks, difficult questions posed by therapy and for the first time ever I find myself really reacting strongly to those therapeutic challenges - I'm questioning what I'm being asked, wondering if I'm being 'told off' by my therapist or worse I've let them down. None of which is true, I know that and she's very careful in what she says and the challenge she gives - knowing I like to raise myself to a challenge. Being nice won't get me to shift. 

Two questions asked to me recently that I reacted badly to - "who am i now?" and "why do I keep knocking myself down or self-sabotage, when it's going well"

I found them threatening and destabilising, but they were good questions. I am not the same person as I was before I began to explore the depth and truth of my trauma. I am stronger, more powerful, but also in deeper pain as I realise how much my childhood self experienced. The thought that now as I find myself closer to healing I'm somehow sabotaging that was hard to hear. But not the first time a therapist has said this to me. It has created so many questions about why and if I'm doing that, is that my fault? It was a rabbit warren which I realised I couldn't venture down. 

And that's the danger and the risk on this journey. I find myself trapped in a messy middle full of fear. I am afraid that my past is inescapable. I'm afraid that people who see the truth, well they won't like what they see. I'm afraid to let what I've trusted for so long go and find a new path. And so the shutters came down. Rejecting the words of my therapist, quietly slipping off the radar of my friends. Hiding behind work which is busy and hard. 

It feels easy when we go numb. When I go numb. Like I've shut the lid on the pain and just get on with things. Until I realise this is no life at all. Work, eat, sleep, think about trauma. That's not what I'm fighting for. All those things I say I want to do - try some yoga, mindfulness, write in my journal, listen to podcasts or books, go for a drive, meet with friends. That is where life is. Life is in those cracks. In that gap. And even more so I don't have a destination. I keep thinking I'm on the path to healing, like it's another country. That I'll wake up and reach where I need to be. The J word is a shitty one, but it's true. I'm on a journey, I'm on the road to my life, my next chapter. But it will never end - well it will but not with my realising it has. 

I won't finish therapy and be reborn. Instead therapy will help me to integrate my past into who I am now. I will find myself inside this process. Perhaps I will learn to be less afraid, perhaps I will learn to be kind to the child who suffered so much. Perhaps I will learn to love myself. I don't know, but I want to know. I want to give myself the chance to find out. At least I do today. 

There is no doubt every day, every week, every month is different. Dealing with trauma, with pain so deep and on so many levels is hard. Part of this is giving myself permission that it's okay to have ups and downs but I can be kind during this process. I can find the things which help me and hold on to them. Living my life is allowed, I don't need to put it on pause. Finding what works in the here and now for me. 

You know what is funny - a memory came up yesterday of Broadstairs. Four years ago I was lucky in that our friends Air B&B was empty and I could escape to get some peace and space. Why? Well I'd just been to my GP who told me I wasn't safe to work. Those words, her words. I didn't believe her but she insisted and signed me off sick. I was off work then for nearly 7 months. I went to the darkest of places (where I had been before but not for many years). There were times I didn't believe I would make it. Hold on. It became my mantra. I held on. I survived. I pieced myself back together and swore I would never put that line between myself and work again. You see I had always known that I had problems personally, depression and anxiety. But it had never touched me at work. I had managed to keep going. Then it all fell apart. 2019 the year of my breakdown. But I would never go back to that. I will always be open and honest in my mental struggles. If an employer doesn't like it then they won't employ me. But it is the only way for me to keep well. Which means you may be reading this as I've shared it on LinkedIn. 

The point is I did survive. I found a way. What I never imagined was that healing was what I needed in that moment, but it wasn't the truth. It wasn't my truth. That would come a few years later when I pieced all the bits of the puzzle together and allowed myself to face up to the truth I had buried. And here I am. Me. Broken, fragmented but on a path that I try to live as authentically as possible, aware I've fought every step of the way to be here so why would I give up now?

Twitter and Instagram: @jofwise