New Year, Same Me

Here we are then, nearly the end of 2023 - my 50th year. My therapist again reminded me that actually this blog can be my voice. That it's okay to write here and share it, people may read it and it may help others BUT it definitely helps me. It's a great way of getting things out. What happens is I store everything up until I get to therapy, where I feel safe to let it out but it's then a very expensive way of crying....

This week I've had both of my therapies - talking and also the EFT (tapping) - what was weird was that in both the same thing was asked of me, but in slightly different ways "what's the hardest part of this" and then "what are the things that are most going round and round in my head". The first question I struggled to answer at the time but on reflecting i got somewhere. And then when the second question came up that came quite easily - each circle reflecting the size of the intrusive thought. Even just putting in on paper felt a release. When I write it all down and realise the endless thoughts that go round my head I realise it's no wonder I'm exhausted. 

The next trick is learning to interrupt those loops, which means thinking of what can do that. Writing is one of those things. Although it's partly about focusing on them at the same time it's enabling me to put them down, place them somewhere safe. At least I hope that they're safe here with you. Thankfully not that many of you read this so hey, I'm going to assume it's okay!

Telling you what I wrote could be a step too far but I think some of it is okay. The two biggest thoughts - worthlessness/self hate and the thought of killing myself. Both things I've carried in my head since I was about 12 years old. What's helpful now is that the latter feels more like a thought pattern than a plan. It's an exit door, an option for an exit door but there are other options. Learning that's okay is the step I think to one day not having them. I realise that for those that know I have these thoughts on a regular basis (and sometimes they're more serious than other days), it's not easy. But I have got a safety plan and I also know where I can turn as frankly telling people nowadays isn't easy. I feel that it's probably got very tiresome and boring. Surely I should just be able to get all this sorted...that's one of the endless thought patterns I have. What you're all thinking and saying. Which of course isn't necessarily true and even if it were, your thoughts are not my problem. 

As for the worthlessness/self-hate - it's such a killer. I mean I've written it here and that leads me to thinking "well, they'll all think this is about you getting them to say - but that's so ridiculous and not true" - attention seeking. But I'm not. I don't care what you say as I'll never believe it. A therapist a few years ago taught me how to just say thank you when someone says something nice. It washes off me like rain. It never soaks in to the skin. I'm impervious to your compliments. This feeling is like breathing it's been there so long. Maybe even before I was born given the turmoil I was born in to. And it has so many manifestations. Weight being the biggest. I mean my god. Look at what's happened to me in the last 3 years. I've gone from ultra running to just being urgh. I hate it. I hate me for it. I assume you all hate me for it and just see my size. I used to call this negative voice Bob - the Parrot, sitting on my shoulder. 

I know this partly because this week we've been doing a lot of de-cluttering. Stacey Solomon has a lot to answer for! In that I've found old diaries and books, pages of the same things. The same lessons. The same thoughts. The same tips from therapy. They go back years. They're all in the bin now. I don't want those memories. I should have inside all I need and apparently I'm doing better than I think I am. 

As I told Angel about how hard I find New Year, some of the things happening next year fill me with dread and fear. But also so many people post all this stuff. Even at work in our all staff chat someone asked what was the highlight of the year. Then you get the what are you most proud of crap. It's a nightmare. What was amazing was to then hear Angel say that she was proud of me. How far I've come. The fact I'm even fucking here. I'm still doing this work. And it is work. It's hard. It's exhausting. There are things I'm talking about that have been hidden from sight for my whole life. She stopped before going too far as she knew how much I hate hearing that stuff. But a little bit of it has stuck. Especially as Meg said something similar in my EFT. I kind of wish I'd recorded it so I could play it back! 

Which brings me into the New Year, realising these thoughts I've had all my life aren't necessarily true. But what is actually underneath them? Who is that person? As Sarah said to me in A&E back in August - "do you ever let anyone see you?" and I said not really, but also who am I? I get stints of time where things are pretty okay and then it all falls apart again. In that time some of you may get to know me and think I'm one thing, when in fact I'm something totally different. I guess that happens to us all, but for me I find it impossible to then cope with who people think I am. Who I think I am. How much do I tell you? Is it okay to message? Is it okay to write this and share it? Is this all too much?

What does all this mean? It means I'm going to try and write more often. Open up a bit, I've hidden access to this blog to those that it scares me most if they read it. I need my space without difficult questions and queries over if what I say is true. What's weird is I do share this to LinkedIn. Which feels a risk, after all that's about work. But work is a danger zone to me. It's a place I feel very exposed as sometimes I just can't control what triggers me and what comes up. But that is actually okay. If I had an illness that struck me down out of nowhere no one would say 'hey, what you doing being in pain today?' - at least not in the places I work. So by sharing this with people who may be in a work environment either with me, or with others I guess I'm hoping to break that barrier that stops us saying 'shit, I've just had a hideous flashback and you know what I can't breathe and I certainly can't be in this meeting'. 

New Year, Same Me - was that the right title? I hope so. What I'm saying is I won't be doing dry January, or veganuary, or run every day January, or pick your nose on Tuesday January. But I will try and be a little more me. I will try and break the intrusive thought pattern. I'll try and write more. I'll try and continue to navigate what's happening for me. But I'll also keep trying to live beyond this. Grow around it so it's not all I am. Play dates are welcome, Mental Health Mates walk, parkrun, theatre, podcast club. Interactions that I feel safe in, that we can laugh, or maybe sometimes cry. But that I don't suck up the air. Just because this space is mine it doesn't mean I want every space to be mine. 

There we are then, happy New Year. Keep yourself safe. And thank you, if you've read all this, if you've read a previous blog, if you are one of those who message me after you read it or share it. And if you're one of those who I speak to outside of this blog - you will never know how precious that is to me and how grateful I am. Thanks to you the exit door is still just a door in the corner of the room and I'm sure I can keep it that way.